Hot Tub Time Machine: Keeping Tabs on a Masterpiece

It's like Donnie Darko if they replaced the confusing parts with hot tubs.  It's like some shitty porno that takes place in a hot tub if you replaced all the parts other than the hot tub with time travel.  It's like Snakes On A Plane if you replaced the snakes with time travel and the plane with a hot tub.

That's right.  It's Hot Tub Time Machine.

We don't know much about this brilliant piece of cinema other than that it's in the works, but I'm here today to tell you what we do know.  This may become a regular feature, building up to my inevitable attendance of the midnight premier.  Now, what are some facts about this elusive masterpiece?

FACT:  Hot Tub Time Machine is due out on February 26th, 2010.

FACT:  This is the R rated trailer, which is predictably awesome:



FACT:  Hot Tub Time Machine is coming out in the same month as Valentine's Day.  For maximum Great Success, I recommend planning ahead with your significant other to delay your celebration of Valentine's Day until the 26th so that you can experience it in maximum style.  Optimally you will attend a theater where they let you view movies from hot tubs.  Just as a side note, if you find one of those, let me know.  I want to go move in.

FACT:  Hot Tub Time Machine stars John Cusack, which means that both men and women alike will have someone to gaze upon should the movie stall. This doesn't seem likely given the film's content, but should a stall occur, you'll know what to do.  It's like, if Hot Tub Time Machine was an airplane, the stewardesses would come out at the beginning and say "In case of stall, your John Cusack can be used as a hottie".

FACT:  If you're a guy worried about needing backup oggling material, you're in luck.  Hot Tub Time Machine costars Lizzy Caplan, some girl I've never heard of but who looks good.  "If John Cusack is not functioning correctly, Lizzy Caplan will drop from above your seat.  Please secure your own Lizzy Caplan before assisting others."

FACT:  Dudes, other leads are also awesome.  You've got that one guy from the daily show, that one black guy who's the bouncer in Knocked Up, and some nerdy guy I've never heard of.  Man, I love those guys.

FACT:  Chevy Chase and Crispin Glover also make appearances in Hot Tub Time Machine.  Hahahahahahahahahaha.

FACT:  This is what Hot Tub Time Machine writer Josh Heald said when asked what his screenplay was about and why we should trust him:

Hot Tub Time Machine is probably the greatest gift anyone's ever given the world. Time will show that it ranks up there with the Statue of Liberty and free Internet porn.

OK, removing my tongue from my cheek for a moment and without giving away anything without first consulting the directors or studio, let's just look at it logically -- I was able to sell a script called Hot Tub Time Machine. To an actual movie studio. That in and of itself seems ridiculously implausible, and yet, here we are. I think I should get an award of at least some sort of free sandwich. I will say, without giving anything away, that my goal with the screenplay was awesomeness, through and through. And audiences will not be disappointed.

Why should you trust me? I dunno. Depends on what you're trusting me with. I can make you laugh. But God help you if you go on vacation and trust me to water your plants. Because we all know what will happen. I'll probably end up fucking your plants. Not in a weird way or anything. Just, you know, sexually.

(FACT:  That quote came from this article.)

FACT:  This movie is called Hot Tub Time Machine.  No, I'm serious.  It is the new Snakes on a Plane, except instead action it's going to have comedy.  Probably watchable comedy.  That's, like, miles ahead of Snakes on a Plane, which was already fun as hell (once).  You have to trade Samuel L. Jackson for John Cusack, but that's a fair trade in my book.  Especially when you're shifting genres.

We can only hope that this movie includes the line "I'm tired of all this muthafuckin time travel in my muthafuckin hot tub!"

The 26th better be a block break, or I'd best make some dumbass friends quick.